Is it safe to assume you are only talking about race when you say, "Our personal preferences aren’t personal. They don’t spring forth from some internal source. We absorb them from the external environment."

Would you apply this to homosexuality?

Absolutely. There’s obviously a level at which sexual orientation is biologically determined, but sexual orientation should be distinguished from sexual identity, which is almost entirely a matter of culture.

Every letter in LGBTQ as well as all heteronormative expressions of sexual identity are perfect examples of social constructs. Hell, gender is a social construct. This isn’t controversial stuff. Social constructionism isn’t a critique. It’s just a frame of reference.

Azealia Banks and Igloo Australia’s feud. Any words?
I’ll take problematic excellence over hegemonic mediocrity any day of the fucking week.

Why can I only orgasm by myself and never with a partner?
I don’t know, but try to start thinking in terms of “Why have I only” instead of “Why can I only.”

If we are programmed, then how are we responsible for our actions?
Cultural programming isn’t mind control, and being responsible isn’t the same thing as being culpable.

What does confusing your life with your circumstances mean?
Your life is what matters. Your circumstances only seem like they do. It’s easy to confuse the two, especially when you’re lost in the normal day-to-day bullshit.

What’s the most surefire test for relationship compatibility?
Time.

My dad left when I was five. Twenty years later and today I finally got The Apology Letter. Why don’t I feel better?
Because fuck him, that’s why. An apology letter doesn’t mean shit. At best, it’s a souvenir of his absence. At worst, it’s a self-serving attempt at emotional manipulation. Set the letter aside and let his actions speak instead.

I feel like I need to break up with my boyfriend, but he’s not doing anything wrong. I just graduated from college and he’s content with working his minimum wage job as a store clerk. Is it okay to want someone who is more ambitious?
Of course it’s okay. If you’re done, you’re done. He doesn’t have to do anything wrong. It’s simply enough that he’s not right for you.

How do you stay so invincible when it comes to situations that would otherwise cause negative emotions? I feel like I’d be so much more powerful (and happy) if I learned your abilities.
No, no. I’m not invincible. I’ve just gone through some shit. I’ve had all the negative emotions, and I’ve realized that after the first few minutes, they’re almost entirely optional.

Your thoughts on Leelah Alcorn and the circumstances surrounding her death? The whole situation with her was so horrible and sad, and yet her parents still deny and refuse to acknowledge who she was and why she died. Some say good may come out of it by bringing awareness to the plight of transgendered persons forced to live and grow up in such hostile and judgmental environments, but I’m not that optimistic.

Right now, Carla and Doug Alcorn are grieving the loss of their son Joshua. In the fog of their religious ignorance, they simply don’t know any better. My only hope is that there will eventually come a day when they grieve a second time for the loss of their daughter Leelah.

It may take many years, but I hope that they grieve a second time, because Carla and Doug Alcorn deserve to feel twice as much pain for the direct role they played in their daughter’s suicide. I hope that they grieve a second time, because Leelah deserves for her parents to ultimately understand who she was. She deserves to be acknowledged by her family as a transgender teenage girl instead of a sexually confused teenage boy, and she deserves to be called Leelah instead of Joshua.

I hope that they grieve a second time, because it will mean that even narrow-minded Baptists like Carla and Doug Alcorn are capable of rejecting the ugly and hateful interpretations of their stupid fucking religion. It will mean that society as a whole is changing for the better, painfully slow though that change may seem, and it will also mean that Leelah Alcorn’s life, tragically shortened though it may have been, still wasn’t lived in vain.

My boyfriend slapped my face (hard) in an effort to “snap me out of it” when I was crying during an argument he thought wasn’t justifiable. He made it sound so reasonable and scoffed when i cried harder after he hit me. I truly don’t know if his action wasn’t a big deal or if I’m blinded and should get out of the relationship now.

There is no justification for that kind of violent behavior. None.

He hit you. He hit you hard in the face. He hit you hard in the face during an argument in an attempt to control you. That is a very big deal. Not only should you immediately remove yourself from his presence, but you should absolutely end the relationship as soon as possible.

If there is still a visible mark or bruise, take pictures of it right now. Document this episode, and don’t hesitate to report him to friends, family, or the police if he gives you the slightest bit of push-back when you break up with him.

Why is it that while having sex with my boyfriend, or any male in my past for that matter, the ultimate goal is for him to finish? Why is it that we stop when he finishes and if I don’t, it’s okay and ends anyway?
Because of porn and patriarchy. Because the guys you’ve been fucking are lazy, selfish, and bad at sex. Because until now, you’ve allowed it to happen that way. Take your pick as to why, but it’s up to you to change it.

As a man, am I allowed to have any preference for what my girlfriend does with her public hair? I’m worried that expressing or having a preference of any kind would be very un-feminist of me.
It’s fine to have a preference, and it’s fine to express a preference if she asks, but expressing an unsolicited preference isn’t cool, and expecting your preference to take precedence over hers would be very un-feminist indeed.

What’s the best way to handle someone who is exhaustingly self-pitying?
Don’t put up with their behavior. Call them out. Be kind if you can, but tell them to shut the fuck up if necessary. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to enforce your own mental and emotional well-being. (Also, if someone drains you to the point of exhaustion, consider whether they need to be in your life at all.)

People keep shortening my name and I don’t want them to. It seems unstoppable. What should I do?
Correct them.

How do I know if they’re right, and I am just a disrespectful and entitled asshole, or if I’m just the latest place for my parents to project their bullshit?
Both can be true at the same time.

I haven’t had sex in a really long time. I’m ashamed but I also know I haven’t met anyone I want to have sex with. Do I need help?
Nope, you’re fine.

He found my g-spot. Holy fucking shit. I didn’t know it could be so good.
Aww. Happy for you.

Which is more obnoxious: for me to accept nepotism to get a job I may end up loving, or to refuse nepotism because “I don’t want to get a job that way”?
Don’t be an asshole. If you can get a dream job through family connections, fucking take it. Just be worthy of it. Pay your dues. Work your ass off.

Please post more, I need the voice of your writing in my life
Sorry, but this is the time of year I’m traveling a lot for work.

Why does it matter so much to be cool? (i know, it’s uncool to ask)
Being cool is a measure of one’s cultural capital in the same way that being wealthy is a measure of one’s financial capital. Cultural capital is an asset. It has value. It can promote social mobility beyond economic means, and so under certain circumstances, it matters.

I’m in love with someone, but we’re not in a relationship. Is it somehow dishonest to have sex with someone else?
Nope. It’s not at all dishonest. Sorry. You can’t simulate cheating in a relationship that doesn’t exist.

What if I just not ask if he’s married?
Ignorantia matrimonii non excusat.

Aren’t you afraid that if you don’t have a child that you won’t truly love someone more than you love yourself?
Ew. No. I’m so glad that I don’t think like you.

How often do you feel like you are totally on top of absolutely all your shit?
That has never been one of my delusions.

Why do people read sarcasm as being condescending?
Because it is.

Why should we accept what is?
Because it is.

Why are pomegranates?
Because rainbows.

i don’t feel like a partner, i feel like a trophy
Get the fuck out of that relationship.

Do you have a master list of book recommendations anywhere?
http://dearcoquette.com/tagged/books

For such a bad bitch you’ve got the most basic ass music taste.
You are a child.

You’re quitting Dear Coquette aren’t you?
Nope.

Should I be worried?
Nope.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhh what’s happening you haven’t written anything!
I’ve been busy. It happens.

Bruh.
I know, right?

On valentines day we were having sex, which i had consented to. Then he took off the condom and i told him to stop and put another on, but he ignored me and kept going. I stayed quiet because i didn’t want to ruin the night. I feel disgusting now. What do i do? We’ve agreed to not have sex anymore but i still dont feel okay.

You’ll be okay. The disgust you feel is a mixture of emotional regret and physical betrayal. You did nothing wrong, so try not to channel that disgust inwardly into self-loathing and guilt. Instead, channel that disgust outwardly. Let it become anger directed at him over his selfish and disrespectful behavior.

Feel free to articulate that anger to him in whatever manner you deem appropriate. Let him know that he fucked up. Let him know that you won’t tolerate being disrespected like that, and let him know that while you may forgive, you will never forget.

I can’t detach emotions from sex. I’m single and dating but whenever I try to hold off on the sex until I’m ready, dudes get impatient and lose interest. When I’ve gone ahead with the sex on the first few dates, I feel gross and used. I try to date all different kinds of men and I like to think I can weed out the douchebags but apparently something is amiss. What can I do?

Keep doing what you’re doing. Nothing is amiss.

You’re on the end of a spectrum where dudes get impatient and then lose interest. Women on the other end of that spectrum fret just as much as you do, because they have experiences where dudes get laid right away and then lose interest. Either way, dudes lose interest, and women find every way to blame themselves without recognizing the broader pattern.

Dudes are gonna lose interest. It’s what dudes do. Occasionally you’ll find one who’s legitimately looking for a long term relationship, and if it’s for healthy reasons and you two have chemistry, you might become a thing for a while. Whether that happens or not has nothing to do with your ability to detach emotions from sex. Don’t scapegoat that aspect of your personality. It may be the reason dudes get impatient, but it’s certainly not to blame for why dudes lose interest. That’s on them, not you.

If sex before you’re ready makes you feel gross and used, don’t do it. If a guy you’re dating gets impatient, tough shit. If he loses interest, fine. Good riddance. Dating should never be about keeping someone’s interest at the expense of your own emotional well being.

What’s the difference between elegant and sophisticated?
Elegance is more a physical expression, whereas sophistication is more an intellectual one.

What is the value of reading fiction, as opposed to non-fiction?
There’s a difference between learning truths and learning facts.

Is it wrong to secretly fuck my current roommate’s ex? She’s never been a close friend, was terrible to him, but I’m pretty sure its still fucked up.
Yeah. It’s a dumbfuck move and a shitty thing to do to someone you live with. No doubt you’ll eventually suffer consequences for it.

Does needing anti-depressants mean I’m a failure?
No, and you should spit in the face of anyone who tells you otherwise.

Coquette, I’m scared I’m not doing what I want, and I’m only doing what I ‘should’ be doing. How do I tell the difference?
Figure out what you want, kid. If you don’t know that, then trying to tell the difference is kinda pointless. In the meantime, just do your best to avoid falling into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery.

Is it normal to feel selfish about loving someone? Just feeling that thing inside you, that admiration, being in awe with that light coming from another person, just feeling good about yourself because you realize you can love, somehow it feels selfish in a way, unexplainably.
Yes.

Favorite cigarettes?
The ones given to me by attractive and mysterious strangers.

Why do I feel lonely all of the time?
Because you are disconnected from the people in your life.

WTF is up with guys trying to have anal sex on the first go???
Assholes.

My best friend was dumped a couple months ago by a guy she was with for three years. They had just moved in together two months previously when he dumped her, and now she’s stuck paying the full rent until September. He said he would help her with rent but he hasn’t and now has his own place. His name isn’t on the lease so she can’t really force him to give her money technically. If you were her, what would you do? I wanna make his life miserable somehow but it’s not really my place, right?

Um, she *can* really force him to give her money technically. Help your friend seek a judgment in small claims court for breach of oral contract.

Seriously, small claims court was made for fuckery like this, and it ain’t that complicated a process. Google that shit, and tell your bestie to stand up for herself, because based on these limited details, it sounds like she has a legitimate claim.

All the lease says is that the ex-boyfriend doesn’t owe the landlord, but if he told your best friend he would pay his share of the rent, he still owes her. You’d be surprised how legally binding a verbal agreement can be when you actually get it in front of a judge.

Worst case, you make his life miserable. Best case, she also gets half the rent paid for the remainder of the lease.

someone (a black lesbian) who I follow on twitter has said that she won’t date white girls and is considering not dating girls who aren’t lesbians (so not bisexual/pansexual/catch-all queer girls). why am I okay with the first but not with the second?

You’re okay with a black lesbian refusing to date white girls because it can be interpreted as a thoughtful rejection of hegemonic power structures vis-à-vis race and traditional beauty standards, whereas you’re not okay with a black lesbian refusing to date women whose sexual identity doesn’t match her strict definition of a lesbian, because that kind of preferential prejudice can easily be interpreted as a lack of intersectionality within the larger LGBTQ community.

You might also want to take a step back and realize that this is probably one of those things you shouldn’t dignify by giving a fuck in the first place, because the only thing worse than a bitch who thinks her pussy is lined with gold is one who thinks it’s lined with social justice.

What exactly characterizes the border between pursuing a love interest and being creepy/obsessive?
Putting your wishes ahead of theirs.

Where’s the line between “let yourself feel your emotions” and “just fucking get over it already”?
Self pity.

What’s the difference between cunning and manipulation?
Cunning is a skill. Manipulation is a tool, the proper use of which requires that skill.

Is marrying your partner for a visa a bad idea? I don’t want a married life and never have. But I feel like things can stay the same, regardless of this piece of paper.
I’m not sure you appreciate the legally binding nature of contracts.

I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again. It makes me feel terrible but I can’t figure out how to stop. Any advice?
The behavior won’t change until you do. “You” aren’t going to stop, but you can become the person who will.

The last two guys I’ve had sex were healthy guys in their mid 20s and both had issues with E.D. Both claimed that it was because of their use of porn they were having issues with impotence and/or delayed ejaculation. Is this becoming a regular trend with young men?
In my completely unscientific opinion, absolutely yes.

Any difference between going for a “bad boy” versus going for an asshole?
Not really. One comes with a leather jacket and a stickshift, the other comes with a sport coat and leather seats.

Just broke up with my boyfriend of six years. I love him, but I’m only 22, and it seemed like the right thing to do. I feel like shit. Any advice?
This is your first time being single as an adult. Enjoy it. Find yourself. Learn new things. Don’t be in a rush to scramble back into a state of couplehood.

You’re kind of a bitch, but I’d totally let you fuck me with a strap on.
Putin? Is that you?

I’m white and having my dreadlocks properly rolled/crocheted into my hair today. No this isn’t some pathetic “I’m worried I’m offending people because of race” post. FUCK THAT. I work in the marijuana industry, am proud of my line of work and am in upper management at one.

So I’ve got a list of things to throw back at people, basically along the lines of if MY dreads are cultural appropriation then so is your nose ring and tattoos so apologize to the people of India for lifting their traditions because you think it looks cute. Any other good ones you’ve got hiding?

Nah. Do what you want with the hair on your own stupid head, but I’m not gonna give you any verbal ammunition to use against people who call you out for cultural appropriation. That might be interpreted as tacit approval of your poor aesthetic choices. Instead, I’ll give you some friendly advice:

Shut the fuck up.

If someone calls you out for appropriating black culture, simply acknowledge the fact that yes, you are. Don’t get defensive, and don’t counterattack, especially over things like nose rings and tattoos. Nose rings aren’t appropriative of Indian culture. You’re thinking of Bindis, and unless you can name the specific tribe associated with someone’s tribal tattoo, you’re only going to look like more of an asshole when trying to accuse someone of also being culturally appropriative.

Please just shut the fuck up. Seriously, there’s no way you can win this kind of argument. You *are* being culturally appropriative, so accept it, thank the person for pointing it out to you, and then smile. That’s your only move.

You’re already an asshole. Don’t be a gaping one.

Aren’t you done binging House of Cards? I’m not as happy with this season for some reason.

The reason is obvious. The acquisition of power makes for a more compelling story than the maintenance of it. Plus, season three was essentially the second half of the second act of a three act story. It left you unsatisfied because that’s the most dark and painful part of any hero’s journey. Season four will be the third and final act, a fucking roller coaster by comparison to season three.

I’ve got a question for you about House of Cards S3. Are you caught up? I don’t want to spoil anything. I’m on S03E02. Why does Doug syringe booze into his mouth hole?

It seems kinky, but it’s fairly typical addict behavior. It’s a combination of ritualization and rationalization. The ritualized dosing with the syringe is a way for him to feel like he still has control over his addiction, and the use of the syringe itself is a rationalization that it’s medicinal rather than recreational.

Doug justifies using Bourbon as pain medication because he never filled the prescription for those painkillers. Plus, it’s a super creepy visual representation of how his mind works. It’s a brilliant bit of character development in my opinion.

The Underwoods have an extraordinary relationship. No?

They have an extraordinary partnership. Subtle difference, but critical to understanding the nature of their marriage.

Scratch what I said about relationships. TEAM CLAIRE, baby.

Yes, this was Claire’s season, and she was by far the most interesting character.

Found out my guy was sleeping with somebody else in the first few months we were dating. We weren’t calling it a relationship but it was exclusive (or so I thought). It was a year ago but I’ve only found out now. I’m devastated but I love him. Fight or flight?

If you weren’t even calling it a relationship yet, then it certainly wasn’t exclusive. Like you said, you just thought it was. That doesn’t mean it was acceptable behavior, but it does put in in a grey area.

Here’s something to ask yourself: Are you devastated that your boyfriend’s dick was entering another vagina concurrently with yours? Or are you devastated that your boyfriend may have engaged in willful deception early on in your relationship? One is a manifestation of petty jealousy, and you should just get over it in time. The other is a legitimate concern for what may have been a breach of integrity.

Ultimately, the question you need to answer is do you trust your boyfriend now, within the context of your long-term relationship? If you think you can trust him, then stick around, be pissed for a little while, and then get over it. If you don’t think you can trust him, either find a way to repair that trust, or get the fuck out of the relationship.

Don’t make this about some girl your boyfriend used to fuck. Make it about your boyfriend’s integrity as it applies to your current relationship.

I’m indian-American but when I wear bindis and shit people treat me differently (negatively, like terrorist or poor deli owner or generally ugly to look at—I’m hot as shit, btw, in western clothes more people like it, w/e). When my white girlfriends borrow my clothes they look “sooo beautiful”, which is true kinda. I mean, they’re beautiful but not all indian clothes compliment their skin tone and it shows so sometimes the “you’re beautiful” is really “you’re so cultured” and I dunno. I guess I am mostly complaining because I’m cultured too, and pretty and it just bothers me, how can I change this?

The only way to change this is to build a time machine, travel back to about 1600 and become a pirate queen in the Bay of Bengal, capturing all the various Dutch, Portuguese, and English trade vessels and establishing your own private armada so that the Mughal Emperor has no choice but to allow you to invade Elizabethan England, preferably in November of 1605 so as to take advantage of the tumult and treason of the failed Gunpowder Plot.

Your invasion force would need to jail or execute everyone in the House of Lords, depose King James, and install nine year old Elizabeth Stuart as the puppet queen while forming the foundation of what would eventually become an Indian protectorate, directly controlling all trade with the rest of the world from your seat of naval power in the new Indian province of Britain.

You would need to rule with an iron fist, actively spreading art, fashion, and Hinduism throughout Europe through a massive campaign of Indian enculturation, thus altering the nature of colonial imperialism to such a degree that four hundred years later, a complete inversion of our current cultural hegemony has taken place.

I know it seems a bit extreme, but that’s really the only way you can change the way things are now. As an alternative, I suggest you wear bindis and traditional Indian fashion whenever you damn well please, because you are hot as shit, and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to suffer racial microaggressions. It bothers you, and it damn well should, so if someone treats you like a terrorist or a poor deli owner for wearing traditional dress, just remember that not only are you beautiful, but you’re also a motherfucking pirate queen, and you should feel free to take that asshole’s head.

Why do cops get away with murdering people?
Because the system too easily allows police to justify use of deadly force.

Do you ever feel like an anarchist?
No. I’m an anti-authoritarian, not an anarchist. My problem isn’t with systems of government per se, but rather with the systemic violence inherent to concentrations of power.

Why do men always want to fold me into a pretzel during sex?
Porn.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and it was seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Does that make me soft?
You’re soft now, but doing hard things is what hardens you.

How fucked up is it that we can’t talk about transgenderism as a mental illness?
Your world view is the mental illness.

Is it possible to just avoid my friend’s shitty husband until they inevitably get a divorce?
Yes. I do it all the time.

Is it shallow to leave an otherwise good relationship because the sex isn’t good?
Maybe. It depends on things like your age and the depth of the relationship. Perhaps spend some time and effort examining *why* the sex isn’t good. If it’s just a lack of communication about personal preferences, things might improve with a little work. If it’s a fundamental lack of sexual chemistry, ending the relationship certainly makes more sense.

Why doesn’t it feel like he loves me?
I can’t tell you why, although it’s probably because he doesn’t. Even if he does, it certainly isn’t in a manner that satisfies your basic emotional needs, and that’s not the kind if thing that changes on its own.

You have the rhetoric of someone who’s been to rehab. Right or wrong?
The rhetoric of rehab entered the popular lexicon well over a decade ago. (And no, I haven’t been to rehab.)

so are you totally opposed to the idea of long-term romantic relationships or what
No. I prefer long-term romantic relationships. I’m just opposed to staying in unhealthy or imbalanced ones.

Have you changed much since your mid-20s?
I’ve slowed down quite a bit. I have fewer acquaintances and closer friends. I’m weirder, but I make more sense. My hair is different.

I just graduated and got an ‘important’ government job. I can’t handle people regarding me as an expert. It’s frightening for me, and it should be frightening for the world.

Oh, please. None of us know what we’re doing. We’re all faking it. Every last one of us, especially the experts. Our species has consistently been wrong about almost everything we’ve ever thought or believed.

So, as a freshly minted expert, work hard, do your best not to fuck things up, and don’t take your important government job so damned seriously, because human civilization is just a thin topcoat of sheer dumb luck, and it could all collapse at any moment. 

I’ve written you a few times in the past, each time felt like a fucking life or death situation at the time, but looking back I can’t even remember what it was I asked.

I’m writing to you now because I’ve always thought of you as my badass therapist, and I need advice.

I’ve been in a monogamous lesbian relationship for over two years. I love her completely, and I’ve fought for our relationship many times. Recently, I’ve found myself attracted to men. One man in particular has me questioning my entire relationship. My girl intuited that I’ve been craving dick and gave me the go-ahead to have an open relationship. I know this isn’t what she really wants. But, she said she knows she can’t fulfill all my needs and she doesn’t want me to be unhappy.

I’m so tempted to tell her that’s what I want, but so fearful that I’ll break her heart by doing so. Meanwhile, all I can think about is him.

What the hell do I do?

She’s setting you up. It’s probably not malicious, but she’s handing you the long, hard rope you’ll use to hang yourself. That dick will be the end of your relationship.

I mean, shit. If you hop on it really fast, get the dick out of your system without getting emotionally involved with the guy, and if you’re completely honest about all of it with everyone, then there’s a slight chance your relationship might make it past your little dick season, but I doubt it.

It’s a tough call, and it wouldn’t be right for me to tell you what to do. Ultimately, you’re just gonna have to decide which decision you’ll regret less.

I drunk fucked a guy I work with. I’m 24 and he’s in his late 30’s. He’s married and has a kid, I have a boyfriend I moved states for. Its an all around bad situation . The sex was amazing, but it was just sex.Theres no chemistry on either side that is anything close to how it is with each of our SO’s. But I’m worried its going to happen again … The sex was so good. I don’t want to lose everything but I am young and I want to have good sex while I can. Am I going to hell?

There is no hell, you selfish cheating asshole. What you did is wrong. Don’t fuck your married coworker ever again, and don’t use alcohol or your youth as an excuse for your shitty behavior. If you need a more adventurous sex life, then either be honest with your boyfriend and open up your relationship, or break up with him and start fucking some non-married non-coworkers.

Have some fucking integrity, bitch.