What’s the difference between an artist and a craftsman? I’ve always wanted to be an artist but my dad is adamant that artists are born, not made, and the most I’d ever be is a crafts person, which is better left as a hobby. I’m 27, is it too late?

Your dad is a dream-killing asshole. He’s also wrong about artists being born. There’s nothing magical about being an artist. Artists make themselves, so if you have art in you, go make it. That’s not to say it will ever become your career, but who gives a shit? Just because you keep your day job, that doesn’t mean you’re not an artist.

(Oh, and since you asked, an artist masters a medium for the sake of the artist’s expression. A craftsman masters a medium for the sake of the mastery of the craft itself. It’s a subtle distinction with quite a bit of overlap.)

I’m a stripper, and I recently had a guy I’ve been sleeping with say I can come over after work, but only if I “shower off all the lapdances first.” I ride my bike a lot, sometimes to work, and I asked if it was about being sweaty (just to absolutely clarify) and he said that my sweat in his bed was encouraged, but that other men’s was not. What the fuck is his problem? That doesn’t even make sense. Why does me showering make him feel like somehow I didn’t just get done lap dancing for money?

Oh and PS. I’m also the girl from Redneck problems. My husband and I didn’t work out, but I DID take your advice and get a degree. He is happily remarried and I am happily educated and stripping in Portland, OR. Thank you!

Happy to hear from you, babe. Glad that it all worked out. (That marriage was never gonna make it, but getting your degree was important.)

Here’s some brutal truth. The guy you’ve been sleeping with is an ignorant misogynist who likes the idea of fucking a stripper, but doesn’t respect you or what you do for a living.

He asks you to take a shower because he secretly believes that you are an unclean woman. Not literally. Figuratively. He thinks you’re a dirty whore, and making you shower off after your job is his weirdo way of keeping you as his whore but getting rid of the dirty part. It’s outrageously disrespectful and more than just a little bit creepy.

Don’t put up with that kind of negative bullshit for one damn second. Call him out for being disrespectful, and if he gives you even the slightest bit of attitude, stop fucking him.

Say it with me now: Good dick is never worth disrespect.

Good dick is never worth disrespect.

My therapist threatened to leave me because I frustrated her too much. I kept skipping sessions because of my inability to get out of bed due to my depression and drinking and she told me…through tears….that “it was as if I want people to treat me like shit and that’s the only way I know how to act” I don’t know if that’s valid but it fucked with me pretty hard. You know, when even your therapist thinks you are a lost cause. I am a people pleaser that attracts users and fucked up boyfriends. I don’t want people to treat me like shit. I didn’t use to be this way but after a bout in a coma and subsequent trauma, I just don’t want to upset anybody or be alone. No matter how shitty they treat me. I don’t want to be this person.

If your therapist told you anything through tears, find another therapist. You’re the one who gets to cry in therapy, not her.

Then again, I doubt she “threatened to leave you.” That’s just your interpretation of what sounds like her setting an ultimatum of mandatory attendance. If you can’t even show up for sessions, then she very well may drop you as a patient. That doesn’t mean she thinks you’re a lost cause. That just means she won’t put up with your bullshit. After all, her time is her livelihood, and it’s not cool for you to waste it because you’re too hungover to drag your ass out of bed.

Now, I also don’t know whether you’re clinically depressed and self medicating with alcohol or you’re just some flake with a victim mentality who drinks too much. Either way, you need to stop using your past trauma as an excuse for your current patterns of self-destructive behavior.

Sure, your past trauma may be one of the significant reasons for your current patterns of self-destructive behavior, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. A reason is not an excuse. You still have to be held accountable for your actions. More importantly, you have to start holding yourself accountable.

Oh, and here’s a nickel’s worth of free therapy: You are not a people pleaser that attracts losers. You’re a textbook codependent who needs to work on her assertiveness skills. If you don’t want to be this person anymore, stop drinking so much, show up for your fucking therapy sessions, and tell your therapist you’d like to work on becoming more assertive.

I fell in love with my best friend and its not working out. What now?
Disaster.

I’m a nine. He’s a four. Why is he blowing this off?
Because you act like you think you’re a nine and he’s a four.

How do I know if the relationship is unhealthy or I’m unhealthy for the relationship?
That’s a distinction without a difference.

I can’t remember the last time I was sober for more than two days.
Yes you can. What changed?

I thought I knew this but maybe I was wrong. What is the difference between race, ethnicity, and nationality?
Race is a social construct that groups people according to inherited genetic characteristics. Ethnicity is a social construct that groups people according to inherited cultural characteristics. Nationality is a social construct that groups people according to inherited political characteristics.

As a white person, how can I enjoy black culture without culturally appropriating? Can I?
What did your black friends say when you asked them this question? (Yeah, that was a trick. Anyone who would ask this doesn’t have any black friends.)

Hypothetical; you’re in a position in which you could solve the Israel-Palestine conflict indefinitely. You would get the credit (so Nobel Peace Prize etc etc). HOWEVER, you would never be able to have an orgasm again. What do you do?
I solve the conflict with no hesitation whatsoever. Fuck the credit. (What kind of monster puts their own orgasms ahead of lasting peace in the Middle East?)

How does it feel being Facebook-free for over 4 years?
People still use Facebook? I thought that’s just where our crazy aunts posted racist memes about Obama.

Do you consider yourself a celebrity?
Hell no. I consider myself a pop culture enthusiast. On a good day, I consider myself a writer.

I earn $35,000 a year. He earns $74,000 a year. We’re currently searching for a new apartment after spending 4 years in different cities. He wants to split the rent 50/50; I would be more comfortable paying an equal proportion of our incomes. Thoughts?

Yeah, you’d be even more comfortable if he’d just pay the rent for the both of you, but he’s obviously not that kind of guy.

If he wants to split the rent 50/50, then it’s only fair for that number to be tied to your ability to pay, not his. In other words, how much can you responsibly afford to pay per month in rent on a $35,000 salary?

It’s entirely up to you, but using the standard 30% of your net-income rule, let’s say you’re willing and able to kick in about $650 a month in rent. (That’s a completely arbitrary number, though. You can set it wherever you’d like, but the point is, you set that number for yourself.) If he kicks in $650 as well, that means the two of you can afford a $1300 apartment.

This is where he’ll have to start to compromise. If you guys can’t find an apartment that you both like renting for $1300, then he should be the one to make up the difference. (If he’s not willing to do that, then you should consider what it’s going to be like living with a miserly asshole.)

Of course, all of this should be part of a much larger discussion about your mutual finances. Are both of your names going on the lease? Are you splitting the utilities? Who’s buying the groceries, and who’s paying for cable? You gotta start talking about all that shit.

(Oh, and if you think the money stuff is hard, good luck cohabitating after four years of long distance.)

This may sound weird but reading your column over the past few years gave me enough courage to file a restraining order against my deranged fuck buddy who tried to break in to my house last night. I recognized that his behavior would only escalate and probably become violent, so I got the restraining order now instead of later. I did what I thought you would do, and I feel safer and more powerful for it. Thanks for that. I know I was the one who made the decision, but you helped shape my thinking so that I’d make the safe and healthy choice. Thanks for that.

Damn. Good for you. It sucks that you’re having to deal with this, but I’m glad that you took action with the restraining order. You definitely did the right thing.

(Just to be clear, someone trying to break into your house is an act of violence. He doesn’t have to physically injure you for it to count.)

Asking as a 20-something woman who has voted in every election since Obama Round 1: can you sell me on Hillary? I try to stay informed on all the current political events but there’s so much crap to sort through I don’t even know how to begin researching candidates. There’s no chance in hell I’ll vote Republican but I still want to make an informed decision.

There’s gonna be plenty of time in the coming months to talk about politics, so if there’s no chance in hell you’ll vote Republican, then I really don’t have to sell you on Hillary at all, unless of course, she wins the nomination and then Bernie Sanders decides to run as an independent in the general election, in which case, ask me this question again in a year.

Why do I have a problem with porn? I didn’t used to think about it but the more I read about it the more I feel uncomfortable with it, like men are getting off over women being degraded and it makes me feel sick. But then I think maybe I’m just being a bad feminist? It’s confusing :/

Porn isn’t inherently degrading to women any more than sex is inherently degrading to women. What makes things degrading is patriarchal and misogynistic power dynamics.

Some porn is obviously very degrading to women, but there’s also quite a bit of porn these days that is empowering to women. What gets tricky is that some porn is both, depending on where you’re standing. You have to pay attention to the power dynamics at play, not just on-screen, but within the larger context of how and by whom that porn is consumed.

As with any aspect of the sex industry (or any industry, for that matter) if there’s a situation where you need to do a feminist gut check, just ask yourself, who is profiting? Who is in control? Who has the power? If the answer is men at the expense of women, then you have every reason to react negatively.

Whatever problem it is you have with porn, recognize that it’s actually about those misogynistic power dynamics, and adjust your opinions accordingly.

A friend of mine has been in a relationship for 8 years and he recently told me he’s been unhappy for the last 4. His girlfriend broke up with him last week (she has been unhappy too) and moved out, but it was a bit of a shock for both of them and they are now trying to see if they can “fix things.”

I think he should remain single and feel like he’s falling back to her because he’s lonely and unsure he will find someone else. Should I tell him my opinion or mind my own business?

Your friend is enjoying the misery. This will end up being his favorite part of the relationship. He is an emotional masochist, and the ache and futility of trying to fix a broken thing gives him a romantic purpose he hasn’t felt in years.

Your opinion doesn’t mean shit in the face of that kind of exquisite suffering. He’ll move on when the pain turns to numbness, when he finally has no dignity left. Until then, don’t even bother trying to interfere.

Are you down with Elizabeth Warren?
Fuck yeah, but not as a presidential candidate. Ideally, I’d like to see Hillary appoint her Treasury Secretary in the new administration and then sit back and watch as she makes the finance industry her bitch.

Why do I hate it when my (privileged) college friends call my dad ‘blue collar’ and 'salt of the earth’?
Because those phrases are code for poor and unsophisticated.

Which languages do you think will be the most economically valuable to know for the future?
English and Mandarin are the two most valuable. If you have time for a third, consider Arabic. If your life is more Eurocentric, learn French. If your life is more Americentric, learn Spanish.

Why do I get irrationally angry when people say, “Well, it just wasn’t in God’s plan” in reference to my inability to afford the school I really had my heart set on?
Because it’s a perfect encapsulation of all the futility and ignorance you’re trying to escape by going to a good school in the first place.

My friends are graduating and leaving - interstate, overseas, places I can’t go visit on a scholarship income - and for better or worse I’ve committed to staying on and studying further. I’m starting to get really panicked about the prospect of being left here alone. What can I do?
You have to make new friends as you enter this next phase of your life. This is a thing that will happen pretty consistently every five to seven years. Don’t be afraid of it.

some girl posted on Facebook that people who aren’t black shouldn’t use the black emojis. is that super annoying of her or is that just me?
Delete your fucking Facebook.

Do you think Scientology will ever crumble?
Of course it will. At the end of the day, it’s just a multi-generational tax dodge. I give it a few more decades before it collapses under the weight of its own sinister ridiculousness.

Did you watch the Bruce Jenner interview? Will you watch his tv series when it comes out? Please tell me what to think about all that.

Out of respect for the transgender community, I bit my tongue on the night of Bruce Jenner’s interview. I support his decision to transition — I support anyone’s decision to transition — but where everyone else seems to have witnessed an exercise in courage, all I saw was a display of calculated narcissism, albeit through a masterful manipulation of the mainstream news.

Go ahead and call me a cynic, but let’s not forget that first and foremost, Bruce Jenner is still very much a rich old white Republican from the ultimate family of loathsome celebrity whores, and as likable and charming as he may have appeared during that interview, any person who openly proclaims that he was “put on this earth” to “change the world” through nothing but his own shallow fame isn’t doing it because he’s courageous.

Of course, we still live in a world where a certain measure of courage is required for anyone to come out as transgender, but Bruce Jenner will be transitioning from a safe and privileged position of personal celebrity, financial security, and unconditional love and support from those close to him. He is very, very lucky.

I can’t think of a single other transgender person who began their transition with that much privilege, and now Bruce is the one with the TV show. That’s what bothers me the most.

Honestly, I’m a little bit terrified that Bruce, the Jenner family, and a handful of reality television executives at E! are gonna be the ones who frame the largest discussion of transgender issues in American popular culture to date, because that’s what’s about to happen.

This upcoming TV show is going to be huge, and while I’m all for more transgender representation in the media, I’m also wary, because these same people are responsible for a decade’s worth of pop cultural pollution, and I just don’t know if they’re up to the task of handling this kind of subject matter with the grace and gravitas it deserves.

Then again, maybe they’ll pull it off. Who knows? I hope they do. This shit is too important for it to wind up another cartoonish reality shit show.

He’s a twenty-nine year old business owner with an enormous personality, well traveled, well read too. He’s incredibly nice but he’s ring leader of his wild circus of asshole friends.

I’m a twenty-three year old college dropout who’s back in school and just came through the tail end of my depression. I’m nice, I read, but am a very good (boring) girl who over thinks everything.

Please just tell me why it’s not going to work out before I fall tits up in love with him and his Ewan McGregor smile? I want to think that in time I can become a contender but that seems…unrealistic. Give it to me Coquette; hurt me so he can’t.

If you need me to point out a bunch of red flags and tell you why a particular relationship is doomed, I can do that, but that’s not what you’re really asking me. You just want me to say the magic words that will protect you from emotional vulnerability. Sorry, kiddo. There’s no such thing as magic.

Pain is inevitable. Relationships end. You are going to get hurt — maybe by this guy, but definitely by someone you care about, and there’s nothing you can do but accept it. If you live your life trying to avoid the possibility of future pain, you will end up a numb and timid creature without any stories worth telling.

Go ahead and fall tits up in love. Enjoy the feeling while it lasts. Just promise me you’ll quit thinking of yourself as a contender. That mindset is poisonous. You are worthy of him. Timing and circumstance might prevent you two from ending up in a relationship, but no matter what else happens, you are fucking worthy of him.

I don’t get why you’re down with Hillary (as opposed to grudgingly accepting her). I thought of you as more radical than that.
I’m actually down with Bernie Sanders. He’ll get my money, time, and support for as long as he can stay in the race. Hillary will end up getting my vote, because we live in a two party plutocracy, and she’ll ultimately win the Democratic nomination.

What’s the next step after realizing you’re a narcissist?
Stop behaving like one.

One of my worst fears is getting fat, and I hate myself for it.
You’ve got that backwards. You hate yourself, and therefore one of your worst fears is getting fat.

Are you anti-marriage?
I’m indifferent to marriage, but I’m anti-religion and anti-patriarchy.

Rent or buy in LA?
If you plan on owning the property for at least five years and you qualify for a 30 year fixed with rates and insurance under 5%, go ahead and buy. Otherwise, just rent. Remember to factor in property tax, HOA fees, and LADWP rates when comparing monthly costs of ownership versus rental.

Where would you put sex on Maslow’s hierarchy?
That depends entirely on your motivation for sex.

I’m not brave enough to commit suicide but I can’t stand being alive. I don’t know what to do.
Being alive is temporary enough. If you want to act bravely, find a way to unburden yourself by changing your circumstances. I don’t know you, so I can’t tell you how, but the sum total of all your pain only equals your burden. It does not equal your life.

What is “normcore” all about?
It’s not about anything. Think of normcore as the antimatter of fashion. It’s anti-aesthetic as aesthetic, which is inherently a self-annihilating concept, because the moment you identify something as normcore, it becomes fashion, and therefore ceases to be normcore.

He’s “crazy about” me but not going to be monogamous because he doesn’t want to “deprive himself” of any possible experiences he could encounter. Tell me what I already know.
He’s selfish, but in a typical way. He’s honest, but in a self-serving way. He’s not in love with you, but then again, you’re not in love with him either. This isn’t you feeling heartbroken. This is you feeling annoyed because your pussy isn’t lined with gold.

I read your advice blog all the time and recently used it yesterday when I found sexts from another woman to my husband on my home computer.  I want to forward you the email bc it has incriminating pictures I need to send to a third party I can trust.  I think my husband might try to delete it through my email; he already deleted the photos on dropbox and changed his password.  Thanks for you help I would not have known to do this without you.

Okay, first of all, gross. I really didn’t need to open up my inbox this morning to find it filled with pics of this hoochie’s pale open ass and beer-soaked tits. Not cool.

In the future, if you’re in a hurry to stash photos like this, don’t email them to an anonymous stranger on the internet. I appreciate that you trust me, but you don’t know me, and it’s ridiculously inappropriate for you to enlist me in your little conspiracy without my consent.

Just so you know, I won’t be keeping them. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sorry, kiddo, but I’m not some revenge porn escrow agent. I want no part of your drama. In the future, create your own secret gmail account and forward the incriminating photos to that address.

Also, never send threats via email. No doubt this bitch is a home wrecker, and she deserves a warning, but the email you sent her contains an overt threat of retaliation. Shit like that is stupid and dangerous. It can be used against you. Point is, do what you gotta do, but don’t leave a trail of evidence behind with your name on it.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him so much. He’s truly my partner in everything. We adopted a dog recently and we’re moving into our own place in a few months. Everything is sort of gliding effortlessly forward and that scares me for some reason. I’ve never had a relationship last this long that didn’t have some serious red flags by now. He is so supportive and reliable. Since I met him my life has become much more calm and stable, but sometimes that also seems boring. It’s like we’re too comfortable with each other, which I know sounds like complaining that my jewels are too heavy. How to I keep from becoming ungrateful for this life we have together? How do you keep this sort of thing fresh?

The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.

If you want to keep from becoming ungrateful, do some serious soul-searching and identify exactly what’s missing in your life now that you’re in a stable, healthy relationship. “Things aren’t fresh anymore” isn’t a good enough answer. Be very fucking specific, and very fucking honest with yourself. Remember, fresh isn’t the same thing as exciting, and excitement isn’t the same thing as chaos.

If you can’t come up with a specific and valid problem other than the mild state of boredom known as everyday life, then guess what? This is as good as it gets. Take that as good news or bad. Either way, you’d be wise not to go searching for a taste of chaos. That shit isn’t a spice.

I have a boring adulthood question for you. My rent is going up, I need to buy a car this summer, and my hourly wage is not keeping up. I work at a large university; the positions are very structured and extremely carefully regulated by HR. That is to say, raises and promotions don’t really happen around here. Generally, to get paid more, one must look for another exiting position. I really like my department and my coworkers. I’ve been doing some extra work recently to cover for a coworker who is on maternity leave. Also, there’s a possibility of a promotion in a year when my supervisor retires. Do I a) ask for a raise, even though it’s very unusual; b) sit tight, build karma, and hope the promotion pans out; or c) just look for another (probably less pleasant but higher paying) job?

You’re forgetting option D: Find another job that pays more and use it as leverage for a raise in your current job. (That’s how you get raises and promotions in places that don’t usually offer them.) Of course, the trick is you actually have to deserve the raise. Your bosses have to be willing to go to bat for you with HR. They have to want you to stay more than you want to leave. You can’t be easily replaceable, and it’s a card you can only play once every few years at the most. (You also have to be fully willing to leave and take the other job. You can’t be bluffing, but then again, if they aren’t willing to keep you, then they probably weren’t ever gonna promote you.)

I’ve been accepted to Stanford, Northwestern, Columbia, and Georgetown Law schools; as well as Sandra Day O'Connor at ASU (my sure thing, in case I didn’t get into any of the others).

Money isn’t a problem. Whichever one you tell me to attend, I will attend.

Damn. Congratulations. Go to Stanford.

(If you know now that you eventually want to practice law in New York or DC, then consider Columbia or Georgetown respectively, but only if there’s value in establishing yourself in those cities during law school.)

Well I like a guy who initiated our talks, got me to fall for him, and then went back saying that he cannot continue the relationship because he is still in love with his ex, who by the way is married and has two kids. So its like he is mourning a relationship which is 7 years old. Now he pushes me away and then writes sentimental messages that pull me. I am in a fix , is he indifferent, is he seriously in love with his ex, or is he playing me. P.S he has not given me any information about himself, but has all of mine.

Classic. You are being fucked with by an emotionally unavailable fuckboy. If you’re smart, you’ll never speak to him again.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him so much. He’s truly my partner in everything. We adopted a dog recently and we’re moving into our own place in a few months. Everything is sort of gliding effortlessly forward and that scares me for some reason. I’ve never had a relationship last this long that didn’t have some serious red flags by now. He is so supportive and reliable. Since I met him my life has become much more calm and stable, but sometimes that also seems boring. It’s like we’re too comfortable with each other, which I know sounds like complaining that my jewels are too heavy. How to I keep from becoming ungrateful for this life we have together? How do you keep this sort of thing fresh?

The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.

If you want to keep from becoming ungrateful, do some serious soul-searching and identify exactly what’s missing in your life now that you’re in a stable, healthy relationship. “Things aren’t fresh anymore” isn’t a good enough answer. Be very fucking specific, and very fucking honest with yourself. Remember, fresh isn’t the same thing as exciting, and excitement isn’t the same thing as chaos.

If you can’t come up with a specific and valid problem other than the mild state of boredom known as everyday life, then guess what? This is as good as it gets. Take that as good news or bad. Either way, you’d be wise not to go searching for a taste of chaos. That shit isn’t a spice.

I have a boring adulthood question for you. My rent is going up, I need to buy a car this summer, and my hourly wage is not keeping up. I work at a large university; the positions are very structured and extremely carefully regulated by HR. That is to say, raises and promotions don’t really happen around here. Generally, to get paid more, one must look for another exiting position. I really like my department and my coworkers. I’ve been doing some extra work recently to cover for a coworker who is on maternity leave. Also, there’s a possibility of a promotion in a year when my supervisor retires. Do I a) ask for a raise, even though it’s very unusual; b) sit tight, build karma, and hope the promotion pans out; or c) just look for another (probably less pleasant but higher paying) job?

You’re forgetting option D: Find another job that pays more and use it as leverage for a raise in your current job. (That’s how you get raises and promotions in places that don’t usually offer them.) Of course, the trick is you actually have to deserve the raise. Your bosses have to be willing to go to bat for you with HR. They have to want you to stay more than you want to leave. You can’t be easily replaceable, and it’s a card you can only play once every few years at the most. (You also have to be fully willing to leave and take the other job. You can’t be bluffing, but then again, if they aren’t willing to keep you, then they probably weren’t ever gonna promote you.)