Why’s some motherfucker ask me for a dollar to specifically refill his 42oz big gulp at 7/11 like I just have fucking money to give to him (he said all this yes)? I have to work hard for this money; why does it piss me off so much that someone thinks I’m just there to give it away to them?

It pisses you off because you’re a selfish person who thinks the world revolves around you. It doesn’t, so stop taking every little thing personally. I’m not suggesting you give a dollar to the guy — you ain’t there yet, but at the very least, summon up the few drops of empathy it takes to shake your head no without letting some poor bastard’s very existence anger you.

If you really want to improve yourself, watch out for that ego-based Republican instinct to announce to the world that you’re a hardworking taxpayer who earns things. Resist the urge to make comments like, “I have to work hard for this money.” Yes, you are paid a wage in exchange for your labor. Congratulations on grasping the basics of capitalist micro-economics, but saying shit like that to help prove a point is a big red flag that you are an enormous gaping asshole.

The problem with your way of thinking is that you fundamentally believe there’s a difference between you and that bum trying to refill his Big Gulp. You lack compassion and any sense of economic scale, and it prevents you from recognizing that you two motherfuckers are on the same team — Team 7/11, Team 99% — whatever you wanna call it, man. We’re all American peasantry.

I know that makes you uncomfortable. You don’t wanna wear the same jersey as the Big Gulp bums, but you really need to start taking a broader view of the socio-economic system that has you conditioned to direct your anger at the underprivileged. Fuck that shit. The guys asking for a dollar outside the 7/11 aren’t your enemy. Aim your animosity upward. The guys earning net profit off your labor are the ones taking money out of your pocket. That’s your true enemy. That’s who should be pissing you off.

Will you figure out a budget for me? I make 45k a year and live in Chicago. It’s probably not complicated—I’m just young and an idiot.

I started to respond to your question and then realized that over and over again my answer was just pointing you to Chelsea Fagan’s phenomenal new blog called The Financial Diet. (It really is great. You should all follow it.) Anyway, I thought it might be neat to have Chelsea answer your question directly as a guest contributor, and she very graciously agreed. Here’s what she said:

So, the first step to making a budget is asking yourself some basic-but-essential questions about your financial life: What are your goals? How do you spend your money every month? What are your weak spots? The real answers will vary in practice (you’re only human after all), but they’re a solid starting point for establishing your various categories of spending.

If you’re single earning $45,000 and you live in Chicago – where the city tax rates are much less insulting than here in New York — your take home is probably about $2700 a month, give or take. So let’s use that for the budget. Since I know nothing about you other than your salary and city, my answer will have to be somewhat generic, so apologies in advance if this does not accurately portray your real-life spending habits.

The first thing you’ll want to look at is rent. It’s usually the biggest chunk of your salary, and it dictates how much you’ll have leftover to do other things. In Chicago, you can either err to the luxurious side and get your own studio in a cool neighborhood for about $1300, or you can find a roommate in a slightly less-cool area for around $800. Having once been in a situation where I paid a full 50 percent of my take-home pay in rent every month, I can assure you that not only does your quality of life suffer greatly as a result, but no apartment is actually worth that kind of financial sacrifice. So let’s say you pick something in the middle, a nice roommate situation with a big space (maybe your own bathroom) in a fun part of town, and you pay $1,000 a month.

Now you’re down to $1,700.

There are several things you can budget for at this juncture, but the most adult-like and productive is, “How much do I want to be saving every month?” No matter what you choose, the most essential component of saving is that You. Do. Not. See. The. Money. Ever. Whatever money you are budgeting, it needs to go straight into some faraway account that does not have a card attached to it, one that you cannot access on a whim. That money should never hit your checking account, and your brain should never process it as “money I have access to.” Set up an automatic transfer every time you get your paycheck for the amount. For now, let’s say your savings goals are on the conservative side, and you put $200 into an untouched account per month. It’s not a ton, but it’s a good place to start if you’re not used to saving.

Now you’re at $1,500.

This the point at which you usually start asking yourself a lot of serious questions about your spending habits, and bring in the help of programs like Mint, which can analyze your checking account and tell you how you’ve been using your money in detail. You may be shocked at the amount of clothes you buy each month, or how little you spend on groceries. (I can almost guarantee that you will be shocked to the point of disgust at how much you spend on alcohol.) Usually the food/entertainment/shopping, or “living” section of your budget breaks down into something like $300 a month on groceries and household essentials, $300 a month on bars and restaurants, and another $300 a month on retail shopping and transportation.

And if this sounds like a lot, I can assure you that once you count all of your random trips to Sephora or Forever 21 for a throwaway dress, you will understand that “shopping” is much more than just “I am allowing myself the ability to purchase two nice, carefully-chosen wardrobe items each month.” And restaurants add up more quickly than anything else in your budget, without exception. Shopping and going out are huge, sprawling, monstrous chunks of our budgets that tick up in increments of $10 here and $15 there, and can leave us with nothing to our names but credit card balances and the hazy memories of all the martinis we drank while wearing cute but unnecessary new sweaters, so it’s better to err on the generous side with these categories at first to learn how much you’re actually spending and give yourself a chance to curb any recklessness slowly.

Now you’re at $600, but I assume you have insurance taken out of your check each month, and if you are going with the non-cheapie package, let’s put it at about $200 per month for medical, dental, and two pairs of glasses a year.

Now you’re at $400, but let’s say a $150 of that is going to cable and utilities, and another $50 to your phone. This brings you to $200 of mad money, which, if nothing else comes up – and something always comes up – you can do with as you please.

But this is a very generous budget, one that doesn’t take into account any student loans, credit card debt, or whether you live in suburban Chicago and need a car. This is the budget of someone who lives in the city with a $45,000 salary and nothing else to really worry about in life. If you have, say, $700 a month in student loan payments or you need $400 a month to cover all the costs associated with owning a car, the vast majority of this budget is going to take a huge hit. You’re not going to be able to go out much, you’ll have to live in a crappy apartment with a bunch of roommates, and you may only be able to save $100 a month.

The point of having a budget, though, even if you don’t have a ton to work with, is very similar to calorie counting as a means to eat better. It doesn’t mean you’re going to change your entire life on some sort of crash diet, it just means that you are going to be aware of what is going in versus what is coming out, and enable yourself to put something aside in a conscious, deliberate manner. Even if you have nearly no money to work with after all of your bills, it’s still important to set goals and track your spending for the little amount you are able to go out, and try your best to live within the parameters you’ve set. Because there is nothing worse than being blindsided by an unexpected expense you can’t pay, or a suddenly drained checking account. If (or, rather, when) that happens, you will be glad that you planned ahead.

My fiancé was just diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses, and has made attempts at cheating on me. I know I should be understanding of his disorder because he’s great in every other way. I just can’t help feeling like I want to get out of the relationship while I still can. Thoughts on being with someone that struggles with this?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a description of your fiancé’s behavior, not an excuse for it. He doesn’t get a free pass to act like an asshole just because his therapist gave a name to his particular flavor of chaos.

Now that he’s got a diagnosis, the worst thing you can do is suddenly start framing his bad behavior as “his struggle.” That’s complete bullshit. We’ve all got struggles, and BDP is no cause for violin music. Your fiancé is still 100% accountable for his own actions, and not wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone who has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses is a perfectly legitimate reason to want out of a relationship.

If you want to build a life with this guy, that’s your choice. I’m not suggesting that you break up with him just because he’s been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but at the same time you shouldn’t put up with shitty behavior that negatively affects you.

It’s one thing to be understanding of your fiancé’s nature, but you are under no obligation to stick around if you think his impulse control issues are gonna lead to alcohol abuse and infidelity.

I make 80 percent of the money and do 75% of the housework. I’m tired. I’m also doing feminism wrong somehow. Help.

Don’t ask me for help. Ask your lazy, good-for-nothing partner for help. Better yet, demand his help. Realign the inequitable gender roles in your relationship with the unilateral force of someone who brings home the fucking bacon.

Why isn’t he the one taking care of the house? What, is that women’s work? No. Huh-uh. Fuck that shit right back to the 1950’s. That’s not how the game is played anymore, and folding the laundry before you stick it in the drawer ain’t that hard a trick to learn.

Give him an order, and expect it to get done. You know you can do that, right? You’re in charge, even if you don’t wanna be. Don’t put up with one ounce of whiny prideful bullshit, and if he doesn’t step up, then he can fuck right off.

Honestly, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he a fitness model? Is he making you cum three times a day? Is he as emotionally supportive as a therapist and two best friends? He’d better be all those things, because if he’s just some basic bro kicking in beer money and the occasional light bulb change, then I gotta ask what the fuck are you still doing with him?

Unfortunately, I already know the answer, and it’s is as ugly as it is obvious: relationship inertia. You’re used to his lazy ass, and it would take time and energy to either whip it into shape or kick it to the curb.

Well, tough shit. You picked him, and you spoiled him by bringing too much to the table. Now you gotta deal with him, and if he’s not worth the effort, then you gotta deal with that too.

What’s the difference between trendy and modern?
Modern describes a period of time. Trendy describes a level of status.

Are we born with a conscience?
Nope. Our consciences (or lack thereof) emerge in early childhood and continue to develop well into adulthood.

As artists, do we lose our ability to be inspired (and are therefore less creative) as we age?
Ha! No. Your creative output isn’t tied to your youthful ability to be inspired. Quit being mystified by the process and do the fucking work.

Can you still watch porn and be a feminist?
Of course. You can star in porn and still be a feminist.

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering robbing a gas station or two. We’re desperate. Any advice/empathy/stuff?
Don’t be silly. A well planned residential burglary will net far more cash and fenceable goods with far less risk than any gas station robbery.

Any advice for a shit out of luck, confused, almost 21-year-old girl who is still trying to figure out her own beliefs, ideologies, and life in general?
Don’t let anybody fuck you — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Whether it’s religion, ideology, shame, or a penis, don’t let anyone put anything inside you without thinking about it first and then making up your own mind.

He makes six figures. I’m a student with no income. I had to get an abortion (very hard, I’m pro-choice but come from a religious background) and he only paid for half. Is it wrong that it bothers me?
It should bother you. It speaks volumes about his lack of character and how little he values what you had to go through. Demand he pay for the other half, and then cut him out of your life completely.

Do you hate white people?
No, I don’t hate white people. I hate cultural hegemony, and you can’t tell the difference.

What about Bill Cosby??
To quote Hannibal Buress, “Fuck Bill Cosby.”

What’s your favorite sandwich?
The Godmother from Bay Cities Deli

Do you think Bill Cosby will ever get in trouble for all the women he raped?

He is in trouble. Criminal penalties aren’t the only way society can make a man suffer consequences, and not every prison has bars.

Bill Cosby will go down in history as a serial rapist. His reputation and legacy are destroyed. The fame he used to his advantage all these years is now the very thing that will torture him for the rest of his life.

His remaining days will be lived in a fish tank of celebrity exile, isolated yet permanently on display. He’ll have his fair share of supporters and apologists, but they’ll just be the usual assortment of the ignorant, malignant, and irrelevant. Nothing will stop this fresh wave of public opinion, and whatever soul he has left will be crushed by it.

Ultimately, this will be what kills him. Watch. Bill Cosby won’t make it through 2015, and when they show his face with that Pudding Pop smile during the death montage at the Academy Awards, they’ll be cutting away to shots of stern looking celebrities refusing to applaud.

What are your thoughts on the Grand Jury ruling on Darren Wilson?
At the very least, Robert McCulloch’s handling of the Wilson grand jury amounts to prosecutorial misconduct. Not only is Darren Wilson a murderer, but an entire statewide political machine is an accessory after the fact, and if federal officials bothered to investigate, they’d probably be able to make a conspiracy case all the way up to Governor Nixon’s office.

It makes me very sad that the US has a legal system instead of a justice system. I live in Canada and one of the only things that makes me want to stay here is that I legitimately believe we have a justice system instead of a legal system.
No, what you have in Canada is also a legal system. It feels like a justice system because all of you are white.

Please tell me one day justice will truly be served.
Don’t ask me to lie to you.

Can you explain why a woman should be bothered if a guy pays for “only” half an abortion? Aren’t both partners equally responsible?
Oh, both partners should be equal? Is the guy also undergoing the physical and emotional trauma of an invasive medical procedure on his reproductive organs? No, he isn’t, so fuck your simple-minded notion of equality. Paying for the abortion doesn’t even bring the guy close to being equal, but it’s a reasonable thing to expect under the usual circumstances. (Quite fucking frankly, the cost of an abortion doesn’t even come close to one month’s worth of child support, so the average guy should really just know to shut the fuck up lay down his credit card.)

My friend thinks that society isn’t run by men because women control sex and reproduction by selecting who to sleep with. Why is he wrong?
Tell your idiot friend that just because he isn’t getting laid whenever he wants, that doesn’t mean women control sex and reproduction. The patriarchy is built on social institutions whose fundamental purpose is to degrade and erase women’s sexual and reproductive agency.

A friend of mine (who I boned for a quick second) has a very agreeable arrangement with a sugar momma. They just invited me to have a threesome with them, for which I will be well paid. I’m definitely curious, but silencing that societally-conditioned voice in my head (the one that says having sex for money is WRONG) is difficult. Any advice?
Depends. Would you still have the threesome if they weren’t paying you?

People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
You’re a brat and nobody wants to put up with your bullshit.

Why does it upset me so much that we’re born without a conscience?
Because it reminds you that the human condition is arbitrary, fragile, and impermanent.

Will everything be alright?
Nope. Happy Thanksgiving!

Canada’s legal system is not more just than the US. It only felt like that to the person who asked because they are white, not because everyone is white. Many Aboriginal people in Canada have about as shitty a time dealing with cops as black people do in the US.
Oh, you silly Canucks. Are you guys always this literal? Obviously not everyone in Canada is white. (But for the record, pointing out that your country is 1/16th Aboriginal only makes you guys sound more white.)

Canada is 66% white. Not all white.
According to the 2006 census, 127% of Canadians ethnically self-identify as English, French, Scottish, Irish, or German. I’m not making a point about Canada’s racial demographics. I’m making a point about statistics.

To the Canadian that thinks we have a justice system: We don’t. It’s just that our Michael Browns come in the form of missing and murdered first nations women. Also, we are all white only in the sense that we’re literally covered in snow.
Yes, you are right. (And hey, there’s that wacky sense of humor you Canadians are famous for.)

I grew up in Winnipeg, the murder and crime capital of Canada. Winnipeg has the highest concentration of urban Aboriginals in the country, one of the highest levels of poverty, and electric racial tension. Anyone who comes from Winnipeg is very well acquainted with what racism looks like, and we’re not blind to the evils of our system or the people who suffer because of it. We’re working on it.
Oh, racial tensions in Winnipeg have electricity now? Congratulations. Pretty soon they’ll have cable television and the internet. Keep working on it!

Only an ignorant American pig thinks all Canadians are white. We’re better than you, and it shows.
You need to relax. Go make some syrup or something.

Despite my numerous far-left political tendencies (I am a registered Democratic Socialist), I still think public hanging should be reinstated as a method of the death penalty.

Does this make me nothing more than a chicken-shit centrist, or am I just overthinking?

A desire to reinstate public hanging doesn’t push you toward the political center. It pushes you back around toward the fringes where wingnut ideologies start to blend into a hazy purple of both far-left and far-right lunacy. In other words, you don’t sound like a chicken-shit centrist. You sound like a fucking fascist.

Democratic Socialism is all well and good, but not when coupled with a state powerful enough to publicly perform barbaric death rituals as punishment for crimes. Government should exist to regulate, not punish.

As the systemic extension of the will of the people, government’s role should be broad, but its power should only extend as far as its benevolence. The death penalty is the institutionalized representation of the most abhorrent and inferior aspects of our human nature.

We are never lower as a people than when we allow the state to take murderous revenge on our behalf.

I was agnostic for a period of 10 years or so. I have been dating a Christian for the past two years. He did not force his religion upon me at all or passive aggressively try and make me adopt it. I chose to explore it on my own to see what he believes. But because I have been exposed to it, I am starting to believe in God again and I am attracted to what Christians believe. Am I being brainwashed? Why do I feel manipulated into believing something? Should I hold myself back from further exploring it?

You’re not exploring. You’re settling. You’ve found a convenient belief system by way of a boyfriend, and you can’t be bothered to do any critical thinking because it’s all so easy.

You’re taking on Christianity like other women take on country music or college football. It’s just another thing you accept as part of your life because of the guy you’re currently fucking. You might even convince yourself you kind of like it, right up until the relationship ends. That’s when you come to your senses and wonder what in the hell you were thinking.

Admit to yourself that you’re not attracted to what Christians believe as much as you’re attracted to what your boyfriend believes. While you’re at it, stop being so spiritually lazy. If you want to call yourself an explorer, do some fucking exploring. Curiosity is an active pursuit, especially where fundamental belief systems are concerned.

Don’t just passively go to church. Use your rational mind and challenge your newfound religion. Learn all about its history, rituals, traditions, and beliefs. Study it. Hell, study all religion.

Put some fucking effort into your life choices.

You realize Michael Brown had just robbed a convenience store earlier that day, right?

Honey, no. Take a step back and analyze the things in your life that desperately need to be true in order for you to justify your belief system, because those are the things that define you.

You are defined by your need to call whatever might have happened at that convenience store a robbery. You are defined by your need to label Michael Brown a criminal. You are defined by your need to vindicate Darren Wilson in the brutal shooting death of an unarmed teenager.

These desperate things define you, and it’s pathetic, because I know you also think you’re making an important point, but all you’re really doing is revealing yourself to be smug, racist, and willfully ignorant piece of shit.

Now go sit in the corner of whatever small, sad room you occupy, and think about how little you matter.

OK, I’ll bite. What would you label what Michael Brown did in the convenience store as? Can we at least agree that his behavior was illegal and somewhat violent toward the store owner?

Note that I think Darren Wilson’s pig ass should have gone on trial. Two wrongs don’t make a right, especially when one of the wrongs was way, way, way out of proportion to the other.

No, you don’t get to bite. We can’t at least agree.

Two wrongs? Fuck you. You don’t get to equate the summary execution of an unarmed teenager with whatever irrelevant bullshit might have happened at that convenience store. They are completely unrelated incidents with no bearing on one another in any way whatsoever.

One has absolutely nothing to do with the other — absolutely nothing— and the very idea that you would weigh them together in the same sentence makes you a victim blaming piece of shit.

This is not about two wrongs. You don’t get to frame it that way. This is about the behavior of one police officer who killed a boy out of anger and fear. This is about one grave injustice endemic of an entire system of oppression. There is no other offense here. None.

Anyone who even brings up the convenience store in any discussion having to do with the shooting death of Michael Brown is validating the racist system of oppression that lets a cop shoot an unarmed black kid and get away with it.

I don’t give a fuck if you’re just playing devil’s advocate, and you don’t get any extra credit for calling Darren Wilson a pig. Of course he’s a pig. He’s a murderous fucking pig, and you’re a magnificent asshole for even mentioning Michael Brown’s past behavior in a discussion about the manner in which he was killed.

The other day I was talking to a dude I went to high school with on Facebook. This is a white upper class kid, going to Cornell. We both commented on a friend’s post on the Cleveland shooting of a young black boy holding a toy gun. I stated how it was unjust that this cop took two seconds before unloading, especially in a state with legal open carry. I then made a statement on how this reflects the systemic oppression of black people by this country’s police force. My high school friend replied that this “systemic oppression was bull,” “There’s no universal directive for cops to kill black people,” and that I essentially had nothing of value to say on the matter. I replied, kinda angry at this point, on the numerous stories of white cop killings of black men and women and how this is not the case for whites, and then to cement my point I added that no one can ignore the 400 years of systemic oppression black people have faced, no directive but a strong correlation. Then he replied “sins of the father are not the sins of the son.” Like what the fuck is that? How do I respond to something like that? Isn’t that just some idiomatic bullshit? Like, I feel like I won’t change this moron’s mind, but I wish I knew what to say.

That kind of thing is what’s known as a thought terminating cliché. Feel free to point that out to him. Also feel free to point out that the sins of the father do quite often become the sins of the son, especially where being an asshole is concerned.

Your upper-class white kid at Cornell is suffering from a world view that simply won’t allow him to believe in things like white privilege and systemic racism. He can’t believe in them, because to acknowledge their existence would shatter the delusions he maintains in order to justify his identity.

You see, this kid believes he deserves to go to Cornell. He earned it through his own hard work. Whatever wealth or high station his family holds is something they deserve too. Again, they earned it through their own hard work, and even if they didn’t, then they still deserve it because they are simply better than everyone else. The little shit believes these things to his very core. He has to, because the alternative would be unbearable.

If you want to win arguments like this, you have to understand what your opponent is really arguing about. This kid wasn’t defending systemic oppression. He was defending his own identity by denying systemic oppression. You can’t change his mind without destroying his entire world view, and he’s not going to let you do that on Facebook. That’s why people like him always start throwing up thought terminating clichés when their logic inevitably begins to fail. They’re trying to end the conversation and simultaneously quell their own cognitive dissonance. He’s essentially retreating from the argument. Take that as a win, move on with your day, and go do something more important, like trimming your fucking toenails.

I was a public defender in a big city for almost 10 years. Police officers target young black males. Period.

I have seen so many black people arrested and harassed for things white people usually don’t even think twice about. Running a red light on a bicycle. Open container of alcohol. Pissing in public. Spitting on the sidewalk. Driving. Walking.

Police officers knowingly testify to some bullshit on the stand to justify why they pulled a black person over. Not stopping completely at a stop sign. Not signaling a turn 200 feet before an intersection. Fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror. Patting someone down for “officer safety.” If I hear the phrase “fighting stance” once more time as a justification for beating the crap out of someone, I will cut a bitch. I actually read a police report where an officer said he shattered my client’s kneecap because he looked nervous. My middle-aged black client, who had never been in trouble, is arrested for the first time in his life and looked fucking nervous. AND THEY SHATTERED HIS KNEE.

But the institution protects these officers. Judges defer to their testimony. Prosecutors go out of their way not to secure an indictment on them when they kill someone. Cities will pay off the lawsuits so the complaints go quiet.

If anyone thinks that the anger in Ferguson is about this one particular white cop and this one particular black teenager, they are completely stupid. If anyone thinks that the “riots” and “looting” result from welfare-loving opportunists, they need to stand the fuck down. If every dumbass with an opinion and a Facebook account could have followed me around the courthouse for one damn week, there is NO WAY they would write the vile drivel they do. But they do. Because they do not understand. And they do not want to understand. Life is harder when you’re black in America. Simply because you are black.

Sorry to rant, but I get so hand-shakingly angry at some of the commentary I’ve seen, I just had to say something.

You speak the truth. I fucking know for a fact that you do.

As it happens, a sociologist friend of mine is finishing up what will become an important and controversial book in which she definitively proves what you already know to be true about racism in the court system.

I’ll let you know when it’s published.

The news about Eric Garner makes me actually sick to my stomach. What can we do?
Go get heavily involved in whatever review board or municipal process that exists to provide civilian oversight of your local police force. If none exists, start a grassroots movement to create one.

So prisons are a terrible idea. What should we have instead?
We should have prisons. What we shouldn’t have are violent, privatized penitentiaries that take the place of psychiatric hospitals and subsidized housing. (Come on, people. Read some Foucault.)

Wait… so do you consider yourself leftist or centrist?
I consider myself the kind of person who loathes being asked to identify with a point on a political spectrum.

Therapy is a selfish, bourgeois indulgence that doesn’t work.
Yeah, no. You’re thinking of prayer.

Do or don’t tell my boyfriend, who I love, that there was a short period a few years ago when I was having sex for money?
If you have to ask me, then you aren’t prepared to tell him.

Is it still okay to have nights out at the bar after you turn 30?
Yes, but not the same bar.

Today’s hyper-conformist blogger is more interested in the policing of language and stifling debate when it counters the prevailing wisdom.
Dude. You’ve got a giant douche-flavored chip on your shoulder because you don’t like the way people argue on the internet. Go stare into a mirror for a while and really let that sink it.

I just looked at the day of the month and got excited because it means a new December coke talk playlist :O
Yep. It’s up!

Why do I feel like you’re Bret Easton Ellis in disguise?
Because you haven’t read anything by Bret Easton Ellis lately.

You seem deeply unhappy, and I feel sorry for you.
That’s a waste of perfectly good pity you could be using on yourself.

Write more, bitch.
You have to pay me to talk like that.

What’s your issue with The Newsroom? i find it intellectually stimulating and extremely entertaining.

The Newsroom is a Frankenstein’s Monster of pretense and formula sewn together with the fatty tissue of Studio 60, slapped around the rotting skeleton of The West Wing, and shocked back to life with the artificial relevance of last year’s current events and the sanctimonious wish-thinking of Aaron Sorkin’s out-of-touch, vaguely narcissistic, and ever-so misogynistic world view.

You find it intellectually stimulating because you are an intellectually average person easily distracted by Sorkin’s worn-out bag of tricks, and you are extremely entertained because you prefer to swallow your popular culture without having to chew it first.

That’s fine. Not everybody wants to burn calories thinking critically about the television they ingest. If you just want to kick back and watch a puppet show, I can’t blame you, but some of us can’t help but see the strings.

Can you explain why, after making the decision to kill myself, I feel so peaceful, and so much of what I thought mattered now seems so trivial?

It sounds as though whatever mental process you went through, you managed to embrace both your insignificance and your mortality. That’s a good thing, in spite of the circumstances.

You let go, and in letting go, you stumbled into some enlightenment. It should be said, though — the peace you’re experiencing is a manifestation of life, not death. You’ve been given a gift. Spend some time with this new mental state. Explore it. Learn from it. Don’t waste it by actually killing yourself.

You can let go without giving up.

My sister’s boyfriend is one of those racists who thinks of himself as highly intellectual but is really just an insecure asshole. (he once defended his position on gay marriage to me by interjecting, “I majored in political science and graduated cum laude. I know more about this than you.”)

Much to my dismay, it seems likely that he and my sister will get married. Since I’m going to have to deal with him at family gatherings, I’d like to get him a gift this Christmas that won’t outright start a fight but that is also a not-so-subtle “fuck you, you racist, homophobic, shitbag.” Any ideas?

If you want to be subtle, buy him a Brooks Brothers Dog and Stripe Tie. It’s part of the unofficial uniform for racist, homophobic poli-sci majors, especially the ones who think graduating cum laude is something to brag about.

If you want to be not-so-subtle, buy him a hardcover copy of The Reagan Diaries and a Ronald Reagan Presidential Jelly Bean Jar. He’ll be forced to laugh like he gets the joke, but he’ll understand that you’re making an open declaration of war.

As a secret stocking stuffer, you should also sign him up for a membership in the ACLU. (Be sure and check the box that lets them share his personal information with other charities.)

Life is much harder than I ever expected.
You’re confusing your life with your circumstances.

Why does self loathing make me feel better?
You’re confusing self-loathing with self-pity.

I broke up with him. I wanted this. Why do I feel so devastated that my ex-boyfriend has found a new lover?
Because you’re the type who refers to the person fucking your ex as his “lover.”

Is it racist when someone says “I’m only attracted to white guys,” or “I would never date an Indian guy?”
Yes. Those statements are both overtly racist.

What does it mean when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants?
It means he doesn’t want you.

Planning a trip to palm springs. Anything I should definitely plan on doing while I am there?
There is literally nothing to do in Palm Springs except shop, get shitfaced by a pool, or cheat on your spouse. Plan accordingly.

Why do I feel better writing about my life through a third person novel versus a first person memoir?
Because you, the person writing about your life, are a different person than her, the person who lived it.

why have you deliberately chosen not to marry money? what if you happen to fall in love with someone wealthy?
Marrying money is a long-form act of prostitution. That’s fine, but I don’t have the patience or the stamina for that much bullshit. Falling in love with someone wealthy is different, but still comes with its own unique complications. (It’s so adorable when you kids equate marriage with falling in love.)

Coquette, have you ever considered opening a dating website? I think the kind of people who frequent this blog could be great friends in real life. Bit of a cringe idea maybe, just throwing it out there. Peace.
Not a cringe idea. Kind of interesting, actually. If this is something you all would be interested in, leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

How do you explain to someone that saying things like “I’m only into white guys - sorry that’s just my preference” is racist as fuck. It would be great if you could expand on this from your fun sized advice.

It’s a difficult thing to explain, because the kind of person who says “I’m only into to white guys — sorry that’s just my preference” is operating from the fundamental assumption that one’s personal preferences are the product of independent and original thought. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our personal preferences aren’t personal. They don’t spring forth from some internal source. We absorb them from the external environment, and that environment is racist as fuck. Our concepts of beauty, masculinity, femininity, and social status — hell, the very idea of race itself — these are all just things that get poured into our developing brains during our enculturation.

What we ultimately find attractive isn’t up to us. It never was. Sure, there’s some fundamental biology as to what turns us on, but the things we’re “into” are mostly just layers upon layers of social constructs. The problem with explaining this to people (especially small-minded racists) is that no one likes to think of themselves as being culturally programmed.

People want to believe that they’re autonomous individuals. They’re not. None of us are. We’re all products of our culture — a culture steeped in systemic, historic racism — and that’s what you first have to explain to a person before they’ll ever come around to understanding how their personal preferences can be racist without them ever having realized it.