I fucking hate the shoes that my boyfriend wears.
I fucking hate the shoes your boyfriend wears too.

How do you feel about men in crop tops, a la Cudi?
Kid Cudi’s crop top was a stage costume at Coachella, not a street look. That’s the only reason it worked. Don’t anybody forget that.

He dissed my taste in music. Why does that feel like such a deal breaker?
An incompatible record collection is a classic deal breaker. It’s right up there with bad kisser.

Aren’t Putin’s actions in Crimea and Ukraine similar to Hitler’s, down to the forced registration of Jewish people?
The actions of de-facto dictators are always gonna be similar, especially if they have the capacity to wage war on a global scale.

Please help, I am calling on you in my hour of need. What are some websites I could buy a ball gown from that won’t require me to sell a kidney?
Don’t buy. Rent. (No, they’re not paying me for the link.)

Don’t you need Facebook to use Tinder? I thought you’d denounced the big blue monster.
Dude. You’re supposed to set up a bullshit Facebook account just for Tinder. If you’re a regular Facebook user and you also also want to use Tinder, never — I repeat NEVER — sign up with your regular Facebook account. Trust me on this.

Are you only answering questions from Nerve now?
Nah, last week was Coachella, and now I’m just crazy busy traveling for work.

The thought of you just existing in the wild at Coachella is really, really weird to me. Like you should be in an ivory tower with all the other VIPs, away from the common folk.
Yeah. It’s called the artist compound. That’s where I was.

Who are your role models?
Fuck role models.

My friend-with-benefits sent me a text saying “You need to back away from me until you can control and handle your emotions. You’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason. Until then, please do something constructive instead of sending me a text.” He just sent this straight out of the blue and I’m about 5 seconds from kicking his ass to the curb. I can’t keep giving him second chances. I need advice. Help. Anything.

You can only give somebody one second chance. After that, “giving him second chances” is just code for putting up with more of his bullshit.

And let’s be clear, he didn’t send that text straight out of the blue. You may not want to admit it, but you know damn well why he thinks you’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason.

I’m not saying he’s right. I’m just saying quit acting all surprised. Even if he is right, he’s still behaving like a gigantic asshole, and you shouldn’t tolerate that kind of disrespect from a friend, with or without benefits. It’s doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, so you should probably take your five seconds and then go ahead and kick his ass to the curb.

Now, here’s the real question. Can you do what needs to be done, or are you just in this for the drama…

Read the rest of this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

When me and my ex broke up, I lent her some money for new furniture, a computer and such, which she promised to pay back when she got financially stable again. That was 8 months ago and in the few e-mail conversations we’ve had, she always mentions how bad her money situation is and that she can’t pay me back yet. Which I would be fine with, if it weren’t for a friend of hers who recently told me she has a steady job again, flies to her boyfriend who lives abroad every other weekend, goes horseback riding and more seemingly expensive stuff. Now maybe her boyfriend pays for that stuff, I don’t know, but I can’t shake the feeling she’s lying about her situation. What would be the best way to handle this?

Tell the bitch to pay up.

My girlfriend lies to me. She works until 11 but sometimes has to stay after for prep/clean. She doesn’t get home from work until 1:30 or later though. She always smells like booze. She walks in the door saying, “What a long day, had to clean blah blah, the alcohol reps were in tonight or they gave us a couple beers to stay late…” There have been a few times where people have mentioned to me that they saw her out at a bar or something when she was telling me she was at work. The problem that I’m having is, I don’t care if she goes out for drinks after work with her friends, I do that too. It’s unwind time. She knows I don’t care. We have a really mellow and open relationship so she can’t be cheating on me. There is absolutely no reason, whatsoever, for her to lie. I can’t stand lying. It makes me not trust anything she says. Can you please help me? Why is she lying?

Your girlfriend is a functioning alcoholic, and she’s lying because alcoholics lie. That’s just what they do. Of course, you’re asking about petty bullshit while playing down the glaringly obvious problem (“She always smells like booze”) because you’re an enabler. That’s just what they do.

You’re going to read this and not believe me. (I can smell your denial through the internet.) That’s fine. This isn’t an easy thing to hear, so let me tell you what’s likely to happen next: Nothing. You won’t say anything to upset the delicate balance, and she’ll continue drinking and lying.

Eventually, her lies will grow from little and white into something bigger and considerably more shady. She will betray your trust in some manner that you finally deem unforgivable, and it will cause the relationship to dissolve…

Read the rest of this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

I just turned 22 and I hate feeling so old.
You don’t feel old. You just resent having to act like an adult. Toughen up, buttercup. It gets a helluva lot worse.

My life is totally sexless and without love. I want to be skinnier or prettier. That would solve all my problems, right? What will make me happy?
You are the perfect product of consumer culture.

What do you recommend for a first vibrator?
Extra batteries.

How do I stop feeling guilty about casual sex?
Stop believing casual sex is wrong.

Is it too late to start living my life the way I want?
Nope. Then again, you might die today, so maybe.

He is perfect for me and treats me amazingly well, but he is also a workaholic. How do I get more time with him?
You don’t. Learn to deal with it, or move on.

What’s your go-to taco filling?
Fuckin’ taco meat.

You seem to alternate between encouraging people to embrace their own mediocrity and using mediocrity as a dirty word. Which is it?
Both.

If you stripped away the drugs, would you still be an insipid schizotypal?
If you weren’t a freshman psych major, would you still have me confused with a manic pixie dream girl?

You seem to have a superiority complex.
That’s because my defense mechanisms are better than yours.

What are your thoughts on how human attraction works?
I don’t think it does.

Two years ago I’d describe myself as a pretty badass bitch who handled relationships with confidence and dignity. Now, post first big love, I find myself having to consciously fight sexual jealousy and struggling to be vulnerable with the newest infatuation. What gives?

Two years ago you didn’t know shit about love. Now you know a little. Keep it up, and in two more years you’ll know even more.

Is knowing that someone will be a good father, and knowing that someone loves you immensely in a way that you have never been loved before enough of a reason to marry that person? Also best sex of my life.

Maybe. There are worse reasons to get married. There are also better. You’ll end up bored as hell sometime around 2020, but that was probably gonna happen anyway.

Find out if you can cohabitate with the dude before you go squirting out any of his babies, and don’t expect the best sex of your life to be a thing you keep on this list indefinitely.

My boyfriend of three years won’t let me move in with him. He says it’s because he wants to “have something that is just his” (referring to the house he bought last year). This stresses me out all the time, because it makes me feel like he doesn’t want a future with me. We work together, so I often worry that our mutual work environment is what holds us together for him. Should I cool it, or is this something that warrants a huge discussion?

A huge discussion? Ugh. No wonder your boyfriend doesn’t want you to move in with him. I’d tell you to cool it, but first you’d have to be capable of actually being cool, and you’re way too insecure in your relationship to pull that off…

Read the rest of this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

I just got dumped. I thought I would be devastated, but I am so fucking relieved. Am I kidding myself, or is this real?
Nah, it’s real. Your ex made the right decision for you both.

Why do relationships feel sticky and tiring to me?
Because you put up with that shit.

What do you with someone who is hell bent on being self destructive but is intelligent enough to know better?
Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Also, try not to confuse actual self-destruction for behavior that merely conflicts with your personal morality.

I want to ask her out but I’m in a monogamous relationship.
You have three options: You can cheat, you can not cheat, or you can modify the terms of your monogamous relationship (which for most couples means breaking-up.) Choose wisely, and accept the consequences.

Why does it bother me that four of my friends have referred to their boyfriends as sociopaths, yet continue to date them?
The boyfriends aren’t sociopaths. They’re just self-absorbed assholes, and it bothers you because friends are annoying when they chronically date self-absorbed assholes…

Read the rest of this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

As you may have noticed, LA is heating up for the summer. Shockingly, I’m wearing warm weather clothing as a result, and the constant, aggressive catcalls are really getting me down. I’ve gotten seven in the past four days, including one guy who thought it was cool to put his hands on me. The worst ones are the assholes in cars who I can’t even respond to before they’re gone. The dehumanization is really fucking me up, and seeing as I’m not going to start wearing parkas around town in this triple digit heat, I need to figure out how to cope with these kinds of encounters. Do you have any advice?

I’ve replied to similar questions in the past with simply, “Shoot them in the face,” and while that answer is deeply gratifying to fantasize about, it doesn’t actually do anyone any good.

So, in the spirit of doing something deeply gratifying, I want you all to start recording these assholes. The next time some misogynistic fuckwit starts catcalling, whip out your camera phone and snap his fucking picture.

Take photos. Shoot video. Whatever works, just document as much as you can without jeopardizing your safety, and then submit the photos or video here along with a detailed description of the incident.

If I get enough submissions, I’ll start regularly publishing them, and through a delicious blend of social media and karmic retribution, we can take the power away from street harassers by openly shaming them on the internet.

What single piece of advice would you give to a 5 year old? 10 year old? 15 year old? and so on. It’s vague but I’m curious on what you’d find important for someone to know at various stages in their life.

Age 5: Never stop asking questions.

Age 10: Never stop questioning the answers.

Age 15: Don’t take anything personally.

Age 20: Let go of your childhood.

Age 25: Surround yourself with good people.

Age 30: Hustle.

Age 35: Let go of your bullshit.

Age 40: Change while you still can.

Age 45: Delegate your hustle.

Age 50: Let go of your youth.

Age 55: Go do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

Age 60: Get the fuck out of the way.

Age 65: Let go of your legacy.

Age 70: Give away everything that you can.

Age 75: Stay connected with the world.

Age 80: Let go of everything.

"Age 25: Surround yourself with good people."

I’m 25. This is the point in my life that I have reached. What is it about being 25 that makes this so obvious and so important?

Around the time you reach your first quarter-century, most of your post-adolescence has been spent establishing your identity. You’ve come to know yourself well enough that you begin making long-term commitments to the people in your life.

As you start forming intimate, reciprocal relationships with friends, colleagues, and potential life partners, nothing is more important than surrounding yourself with good people — not your education, not your career, not your hopes and dreams — nothing. 

Really, I can’t stress this enough. Choosing to build your life around good people while you’re in your twenties will have a greater impact on your future happiness than anything else you ever do.

I fucked a guy last night. He has a girlfriend, and has for over a year. I was aware this girlfriend existed when I fucked him, and in fact had met her before. They are not in an open relationship, so him having sex with someone else is bona fide cheating, and not okay. He’s swore me to secrecy on the subject and we agreed it wouldn’t happen again, though I have a feeling a part of him wants it to happen again. I don’t, because (at the risk of sounding like I’m wallowing in self pity) I’ve spent the entire day berating myself internally for having acted like a morally reprehensible whore. I guess what I’m asking is how is the best way to make peace with it, or should I make peace with it, or maybe I just want you to give me the metaphorical kick up the ass I deserve for this. Help.

I can’t help you. This shit’s on you. You did wrong. You deserve to feel like a morally reprehensible whore, and if you have the slightest bit of integrity, you’ll make peace with this incident by resolving never to do it again.

Don’t have sex with another woman’s man. It’s as simple as that. Obviously, the guy in this situation is a deplorable asshole, but this isn’t about him. It’s about his poor unfortunate girlfriend who you knew about ahead of time. Put yourself in her shoes, and recognize that she’s the one you hurt.

The good news is that you seem to have a conscience. Listen to it in the future, because this is some basic golden rule shit: Do unto other women’s boyfriends as you would have other women do unto yours…

Read the rest of this week’s column over at Nerve.com

So I don’t really get this ‘thou shall not have sex with another woman’s man’ mantra. I’m not saying I agree with cheating, I’m just saying the blame is 100% on the actual cheater. Like, if you’re not friends, if you don’t know her, then you’re not breaking any loyalty. You don’t owe her anything. The person who cheated, they are breaking someone’s trust. So if you then decide that you don’t want to sleep with someone who has a partner, because they’re clearly a shitty person for wanting to, that’s different. I don’t really see how the person someone cheated with is morally reprehensible themselves, since the pain their partner will feel stems from the fact they cheated, not the fact they cheated with *you*. So, since you clearly don’t agree, I suppose my question is, why am I wrong?

You’re wrong because your moral code is weak, and your position is a perfect example of moral disengagement through diffusion of responsibility.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re friends with the other woman or not. If you knowingly have sex with another woman’s man, you are complicit in the affair. Yes, what he’s doing is much worse, but what you are doing is still wrong. Sorry, but you don’t get a free pass just because you have emotional distance from the person you’re hurting.

And don’t try and make this about loyalty. It’s not. It’s about common fucking decency, and fucking another woman’s man simply because “you don’t owe her anything” makes you a shitty person.

Honestly, this is entry-level morality we’re talking about here. Why is this stuff so hard for you people to understand?

If I want to read, write, see the world, etc., then why do I spend all of my time playing videogames?
Because your idealized self-image does not match reality.

If I might die today what is the point of saving money, or planning for the future at all really??
Sure, you might die today, but you probably won’t for quite some time. Don’t be an asshole about it, and deal with your shit.

Is there any truth to “fake it til you make it?”
Only if you make it.

My guy friend thinks that women just don’t have analytical brains, and that is why all of the top performers in “intellectual” professions are men. How do I stop giving a fuck about idiots like this so I don’t spend my life angry?
Stop being friends with them.

How do you define “losing your virginity”?
Your virginity isn’t something I care to define. Spend some time analyzing the cultural and historical implications of virginity, then decide for yourself whether you think it’s still a relevant concept.

Would you fuck Putin?
With a rainbow colored twelve inch strap-on.

Why am I so unsettled by George W. Bush’s paintings?
Because each shallow canvas is irrefutable evidence that a childlike simpleton spent eight long years as President of the United States.

What’s the difference between group sex and an orgy?
Name tags.

I like you but I think that I like you in the same way I like cheap vodka, an easy way out. Obviously you’re human but seriously your ego and sheer arrogance is painful to read. I once found your advice to be that of a big sister that I never had but I’ve lost the faith. Is it me or is it you? Both?
It’s not me. It’s the voice in your head you hear when you read me, which is really just a projection of yourself. You’re thinking more critically now, and that’s the whole point. I’m glad that you once found my advice sisterly, but at the same time, I’m just as happy for you to realize that I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else.

You seem to be a pretty negative person all-around. Does that ever get tiring?
Bitch, please. I’m a fucking pleasure.

Is it possible to make a difference without coming off as a left wing activist nutjob?

I am a graphic designer and I want to use my abilities to help change the world for the better. I believe in sustainable food production and reversing climate change.

I know I can create compelling work, but how can I help my audience actually PAY ATTENTION?

Fuck all the insufferably trendy beliefs that you wear like fashion accessories for your identity. Fuck your untested self-esteem and the assumption that any of your work is the least bit compelling. Fuck whatever social media follower count you’ve confused for an actual audience.

Do you have any idea how much of a naive asshole you sound like when you say you want to change the world with your graphic design abilities? You will never “make a difference,” whatever that bullshit phrase means. Hell, you aren’t even interesting enough to come off as a left-wing activist nutjob. At least those people have something to say.

Nope, you’re just another insufferable twat with a popular pair of pet causes and a vague sense of self-importance who thinks that just because you breathe air and have an opinion, you deserve everyone’s undivided fucking attention.

Sorry, kid. You don’t deserve shit. You came knocking at the wrong fucking door if you wanted someone to blow smoke up your ass and slather your ego with Astroglide and affirmations.

No one gives a fuck about your hopes and dreams, and you don’t get credit for good intentions. Compelling work speaks for itself, so please, by all means, feel free to go off into the world and prove me wrong. Then again, you should also feel free to go fuck yourself.

Either way, somebody needed to tell you.

Trigger warnings on classic literature? Am I that calloused and cold hearted or is this really as ridiculous as it sounds?

It is cringe-inducingly ridiculous. When legitimately used, trigger warnings are a rare but occasionally necessary therapeutic consideration in establishing a safe space for trauma survivors. Unfortunately, trigger warnings have been seized upon with hypocritical zeal by left-wing thought police and warped into sanctimonious spoiler alerts for the delicate sensibilities of those whose political correctness is only outmatched by their victim mentality.

Speaking as someone who suffers from PTSD related panic attacks, trigger warnings as a pop-cultural fad are incredibly condescending, and I can’t wait to see them fall out of favor.

I’m afraid that when I quit my job I’ll realize that it wasn’t the reason I am so unhappy.
The irony is that you’re unhappy because you’re afraid.

I would love to ask you something, but nothing comes to mind because I already have all the answers.
Awesome. Help me out with the answer to this one: Why is there something rather than nothing?

I wake up every day and think of how much i want to be dead for about an hour before i can force myself to get up from my bed. I’m scared to talk about this with my therapist or anyone else.
Read this to your therapist in your next session.

Why am I so scared of committing to a nice, sweet guy who I regularly hang out and sleep with? What’s stopping me from making it official?
You still think you can do better.

Sooo, after figuring out love n shit… whats good?
Money.

Is love after a week of being with someone just infatuation?
Yes.

Is it possible to love someone and be attracted to them without being romantically in love with them? Am I just deluding myself?
Yes and yes.

Do you believe in free will?
That’s kind of like asking if I believe in god, in that it’s pointless if you don’t define your terms.

What do you think of Rich Kids of Instagram?
I love RKOI. I like to think of each post as a crime photo, as if they’re tiny pieces of evidence that can be used at trial if the revolution ever comes.

How come I like you way more on twitter than on here?
Because twitter is candy, and here I make you eat your vegetables.

I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me. They only dated for a few months but I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind. I never used to be jealous before, why is this happening now, so far into our relationship? It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Let me make the problem obvious for you by translating some of your bullshit:

When you say, “I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me,” what you really mean is, “I can’t help projecting my own relationship insecurities onto the nearest available target.”

When you say “I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind,” what you really mean is, “I’m terrified that they had better sex than we do, especially now that things are getting stale between us.”

When you say, “It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy,” what you really mean is, “I’m not self-aware enough to recognize self-destructive patterns in my behavior.”

And of course, when you say, “I don’t know what to do anymore,” what you’re really saying is, “I’ve never really known how to handle the inevitable ennui that sets in with every long-term relationship I’ve ever had.”

My boyfriend and I have been together two years. We’re gonna have to do the distance thing next year— we’re graduating, and I found a job here while he found a job at home. Is this a terrible time to tell him that I still want to explore being poly? It’s either the best idea or the worst and I can’t tell which.

This all hangs on your use of the word “still.” If you’ve already explored polyamory together, or at the very least brought up the possibility of being polyamorous, you should already know how your boyfriend feels about it.

Don’t act like this shit is a mystery. You two can either handle it, or you can’t. Factor in the added stress of a long distance relationship, and you know damn well whether this is the best idea or the worst idea.

Either way, it’s still probably better than the alternative.

Read this week’s column over at Nerve.com

What’s the difference between being kind, being good, and being nice?

Being kind is a matter of altruism. Being good is a matter of morality. Being nice is a matter of etiquette.

I thought kindness was a matter of compassion.

Nope. Good intentions are a matter of compassion. (Compassion is a passive emotion, whereas altruism is an active principle.)

Are you seriously suggesting someone do a bump of coke before they go to work? Am I so square that I think this is a terrible idea?

I may be full of terrible ideas, but you’ve been culturally conditioned to think that there’s any real difference between a morning bump of cocaine and a morning cup of coffee.

Either way, you’re just self-medicating with an addictive chemical stimulant made from a South American plant extract. Caffeine just happens to be socially acceptable, and cocaine is socially taboo.

The difference is so arbitrary that it’s ridiculous. Of course, everything about America’s drug policy is arbitrary and ridiculous, so I’m not surprised when the whole coffee slurping country doesn’t even see its own hypocrisy.